elisabeth before the fall

Coffee. soy chai tea. My new thing apparently.
Slowly I’m realizing . few now get this
Somehow that’s made it ok .suddenly
Funny about knowing .simplicity

Where am I today

How does it feel. Without guilt

The tide pulls in .out

Somethin’s coming. ‘Cause I can feel it
I’m paying attention
Going with it
There is this electric attraction
The other half of me . headed in my direction


What could matter
After this
How could anything ever exist
After .this


I reminisce . finger tips
Skin .neck .earlobes

Hips

Yet it’s none of this
.matter
It’s the vibration . the completion
She is the perfection of

we

blessed

winter sugar junkie
crystallized green crack

eat. puff. eat

distract. from feeling great?! what sense does that make?
or is it slow down. retract. i find this deviant enjoyment in my naughtiness of late . this smile in at myself . misbehaved child

i think of how it is that grace paved my great escape and though my ego would hold that it was me that dug me out. i find my reprieve at the memory of how i was dragged into all of this. the memory of my initial protest… of this inheritance

i’m a heathen and i’m a wretch… and it was just this grace that swooped in… guess i’m just the lucky one… guess i was just picked
it’s not me in charge of all this. just here for the thrill of it… for the stomach lurching lull and fill of it…
was just dragged into this. though my ego’d like to claim the heavy lifting.. the
universe just using me. beamed through me

no. i ain’t in charge of this mess
then i go three steps back to take one forward…
run into.away from all of it

‘cause i can’t claim this beautiful disaster… this eloquent wreck
how marvelous . just to be. insignificant speck in this disastrously wondrous mess

sea birds catch the blusters of morning breezes… and today i breathe deeper. i breathe slower. longer

today feels lighter .still misty… but somehow
.free-er

vanity

what am i if not a slave to my vices.
what the fuck happened
what the fuck happened

i was riding high on cloud nine until life came crashing down on broken promises….
everything that i’ve seen in mine eye. seems now to have been a lie…
there is no heaven or new beginning . no love . no poetry
only the empty carcass that once contained so great a faith.
only the shells fallen from grace.

emptiness
void
darkness

all is folly. vanity. meaningless
sitting in this mist. lamenting in this haze. am i still waiting?
am i? for this… this… change

i gave up everything… for nothing.
now i see .nothing was all there ever was anyway
it was just a dream. she left before the sun could rise .
sun broke day across the river there.. to the lingering of her scent . the lingering memory i could not keep…
i gave up nothing to gain everything… to give it all up for
. nothing. for anything

le sigh

the tide pulls low
i'm sitting in my concrete.steel box view of .never ending city

my refuge or my cell

i want to write . something just won't flow

i want to sing .

i want to love .

it just won't flow

today is white washed. clammy hands and pits
staring . blank yet full of . too much

too much emotion . i don't know where to put it. how to reign it...
i know how to forget it . numb it
avoid it

hook it to hitch and haul it out of me... please

lulling alone is gettin' old .

it's like this massive .something. has been looming for eternity
can't it just give already

purgatory

anxious. angst

lift off of me! 

waiting waiting

this i'm starting to hate. give me the go ahead

give me a way. 

so much inside . i can't fucking wait

i have the drive

just need a . way.

 a tiny hole in the bottom of the gate

i'm ready. i'm ready

let me rise let me be. something more

i want. i want. like never before

'cause this is what is real . what's worth fighting for

i've seen it all. now i want to do something about it.

i'm ready. 

i'm ready.

open the door

first of december

does everything crash down today?

does every security fall out from under me?

is this how i become free?

letting go of what is out of my control.

find a way to stand up with all the weight on my shoulders.

a way to speak out what perhaps only i know.

i want them to hate me. i want them to hate me if that's what it takes

i want them to think i'm crazy if it makes them think 

if that's what it takes.

haggard

i feel haggard. lost

twisted around . tossed

everything seems to be falling apart

perhaps it's just my ovary ejecting it's little pearl of hormonal chaos.

wait. keep waiting... feels like hesitating

frustrating.

what the fuck. when there's so much. so much inside wanting to break free

i just want peace

just want happy

it feels so far from me.

i'm alone yet surrounded

this chaos is bringin' me down

bringin' me up

you know . you must swim through

however high. however low.. this tide is gonna go

wait for that break . wait.

something has to give eventually. this precipice of eternity. 

it feels like

i don't know how or why i keep going but i do

since i returned

epiphanies never come true. drama after drama left at the edge of the cliff

never resolving.

is this my fate. to forever in fragment keep drifting.

drifting. what feels like. away from you.